Women of the Week: Love Without Borders: A Look at Cross-Cultural Relationships

In today’s world, with globalization and the opportunities to travel, it is not surprising that so many people fall in love with a culture, a place, and, of course, the person that ties it all together. Dating and relationships are hard work, and speaking different languages or having to learn and understand cultural differences can make it even harder. The following women are great examples of love conquering all, despite these difficulties, and have shared some of their insights, struggles, and what they love about dating someone from a different cultural background.

A bit about yourself and your partner?

L: My name is Luyolo, I’m 26, South African and I’m currently living in Sweden and doing my Masters in Business Development and Internationalisation. My partner, Sebastian, is Swedish and he is a social worker. We met in Cape Town two and a half years ago, on Tinder, while he was there doing his field studies. We went on a date, clicked, and have been in love ever since. Despite the fact that we grew up on opposite ends of the world and have our differences, we share the same values and are alike in many ways. We complement each other really well and it feels like we’ve known each other our whole lives.

K: My name is Krystal and his is Yangki. I’m from America, Georgia specifically, and he’s from South Korea. We were both born in 1985, but I’m a few months older. He likes to tease me about this every year after my birthday. He tries calling me Noona (which is the Korean term for older sister), but I refuse to let him do it as it feels weird. We met in September 2015, on a language exchange app. I had just moved to Bundang, a new part of South Korea, a few months earlier, and missed having Korean friends to talk to and hang out with. After about 3 meetings, he asked me to start dating. I wasn’t sure at first, but I knew he was a nice guy and thought it would be okay. We’ve been together now for more than 2 1/2 years.

S: My name is Sanita. I was born and raised in a small Balkan country in Europe called Bosnia and Herzegovina, mostly known for wars (the first World War started in Sarajevo and then we had the longest war in the 90s, hence the highlighted recognition). What is not emphasized is our warmth, our easy going personalities, how we indulge in food and live slowly, spending hours drinking one cup of coffee and call it "cejf"; not to mention our nature where you can hide from society from time to time and refill your soul with beauty, and the fact that we are the European heart of many different cultures in one country.

So, getting back to the question, when the war ended, my parents did their best to get back on their feet and take us to as many places on the map as they could afford, to show us that there is more to this world than the hate and destruction that we grew up in. They made us fall in love with diversity and it made me love and enjoy all the life specters there are, to be fascinated while listening to the stories each person carries about in their life. In that lifestyle of meeting new people, my sister met a guy from the USA, who is now her husband, and through him I met Alejandro. When I met him I wasn't fond of him because he presented himself to me as a young arrogant American, similar to those frat boys we only saw in movies. Such was my fate that now I bite my tongue when I think of that, because the more we talked the more I realized how similar we are. Giving that man a chance has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. Even though we were people from totally different countries, and different lifestyles, our minds flew the same direction and I fell in love with him. He was born in Miami but moved around the world with his family for the purpose of his father’s job. So I would assume that there lies the tie we have, that he also was exposed to variety of cultures throughout his life so he was more understanding of my own.

Was it easy to communicate initially (or was there a language barrier)?

L: Thankfully English is spoken in Sweden so we never had a huge language barrier issue. We can have very fluent conversations and understand each other, however, there are times when he can struggle to express himself because English isn’t his first language, so some things take longer to describe or explain. I’ve learnt some Swedish now, so it is a little easier because in those cases where he can’t really explain something in English he can try in Swedish and hopefully I’ll understand. Sometimes when I use a word that he hasn’t heard before then I would need to explain it and then the next time I wouldn’t have to explain it again.

K: At first, since it was language exchange, we both knew that we weren’t at each other’s levels (neither English nor Korean). However, we didn’t let it stop our relationship. We speak mostly in English, so for him he has improved greatly. Now we have great conversations about many things with very few language problems. I, however, definitely need to study more Korean. I’ve lost a lot of what I’ve learned, because he helps me so much with everything Korean-related. My goal in the next year is start learning more, so he can feel more at ease talking about the things he wants to in his native language.

S: To be honest, not to mind how good my English was or how good it becomes, there was always that little bump in our communication; but it has to do more with the way of communicating that you're used to with people you’ve lived among, than it has to do with the quality of language. For example, we are passionate when we talk, so it sometimes sounds like we are fighting, and we like to be tough so our approach to verbal communication is quite different and some may not understand it. But whenever I have problems expressing myself, due to the language barrier, I just say, "learn Bosnian" as a joke, but he keeps encouraging me to speak more and not be afraid of those barriers. If there is something to be misunderstood, it can be explained. So it was a lot of work at the beginning. We have a common language that we are both learning, so we sometimes speak Spanish, just to be on the same level.

What did you have to learn, or become more open-minded about, about your partner’s culture?

L: I’m not strictly religious but my faith and belief in God is important to me. Even though “the church” exists in Sweden, it is still quite a secular society so a lot of people, Sebastian included, don’t necessarily grow up with a religious influence, which is quite different to South Africa in my opinion. Even though I know that people don’t have to follow a religion to live a good and happy life, it’s still a challenge when you’ve met someone that you know you want to spend your life with because, for me, my faith influences how I think and how I deal with certain situations. I struggled with this a bit in the beginning, but I realized that what was most important to me was that we loved each other, I felt safe with him, and that I was with someone who has a good heart and shows love to other people. Even though he didn’t grow up in the church, we share the same values and want similar things in life and he accepts and appreciates my faith.

K: Having lived in Korea for 3 years prior to meeting him, I haven’t learned much more culturally. He’s opened my eyes to new food and new places. We both enjoy trying new things and constantly share things about our culture. He’s learned more about my lifestyle and culture than I with his.

S: Well, despite that lack of great opportunities in Bosnia, they always try to look ahead and devote their hours to being immersed in comfort. They practice 'sabur', which literally means patience; everything will go as it is supposed to go, keeping faith (too much for my taste) but growing up in that kind of environment and then being in a fast-paced one such as the USA, it has been a bit overwhelming. That is one thing that is difficult to get used to. We live by the rule called 'cejf' which is a way of living slowly, going through the day almost in a lazy way. Being among people like that, you have a certain acceptance of all the missteps you take. Therefore, the USA has been a bit stressful to live in, in a way that I need to be more loud, more expressive, but it is also a country where I can finally focus on my dreams and not be afraid of wanting more, and isn't that their trademark?

Then again, what also interests me is that Bosnia is a country with a tight community, where most people know each other and take care of each other. Even though we had a long war that painted our history with violence, people of this country are warmhearted and they will always help you if you're in need. What I felt in the USA is that people are individualists who are living their life in the fast lane and their priorities are different than that of a Bosnian. They move a lot, it is harder to keep closer friends over the years, and they are striving more for ambition than connection. Even the food is fast there, big portions but without specific flavour. In my country we like to enjoy our food. All the cevapi, sarma, pita, corbas, etc that we make are made with love and you can definitely feel the difference between eating in Bosnia and eating in the USA. To sum it up, the food and fast lifestyle are probably the important differences that I will have to get used to. I will have to be more open-minded of what their priorities are and I will have to learn to keep up with their tempo.

Did your family support the relationship?

L: Yes. Both of our families are very supportive of our relationship.

K: My family supported us from the beginning. For Christmas 2016, Yangki came home with me to America to meet my family. He won my dad’s heart instantly and vice versa. His family is a different matter. From early on in our relationship, Yangki stated that he has never introduced a girlfriend to his family. Mostly because he never had a serious relationship lasting longer than 6 months. Also, he stated that he didn’t want his family too involved in his personal life. In Korea, you either have really close families who discuss everything together, or families who keep their personal lives private. Yangki stated early on, as well, that I wouldn’t meet his family until after we got engaged. So, I’m still waiting to meet them. He mentions though that he knows his family will like me. HOPEFULLY!

S: His family made me love him even more. The culture that they grew up in and continued to cherish is Latin American culture which is, I learned, similar to Bosnian culture in the way of being passionate and enjoying simple things such as the sound of a song or the taste of food. It is all about family ties, so I have been welcomed since the first day, even before I became family. From both of our sides, there has only been continuous support and they are embracing the idea of having a family of different cultures in one.

What is your favorite thing about your partner’s culture?

L: There are many things that I love about Swedish culture. One is that people don’t always feel the need to outshine or outperform the next person. There’s a Swedish phrase “Lagom” which basically means “just the right amount”. That’s how Swedes live their lives. It’s nice because it takes away some of the social pressure to always have your best foot forward.

The second thing I love about Swedish culture is the responsibility that people take to create a sustainable society, from both social and environmental perspectives. Lastly, much like South Africa, Swedes are very social people who enjoy celebrating and spending time together. So everyday Swedish “fikas” (cake and tea breaks) are a definite favourite.

K: I love the history and the various customs that exist in Korean culture. Coming from America, we don’t have a strong rooted culture based around traditions. I like learning more about his culture and ask many questions about why things are done in certain ways. He’s always willing to educate me, but sometimes he doesn’t understand why I find it so interesting. He’s so used to the culture or the way things are done he forgets that I don’t know as much. My favorite part though is the formal way that people speak to others. They have certain form of language that they use in formal situations. It sounds polite and I like hearing it.

S: Probably the open-minded characteristic they have. There is a strict pride in my country that denies anything new and leans on tradition. We live in a state of stagnation, however in the USA it's quite the opposite. It allows you the freedom of change, explorations and the possibility to improve yourself and move in any direction you want.

There is a joke around my friends that you should be more like an American in life, in a sense that you should not care so much about simple things such as the way you are dressed or be sensitive about your complexes. To strive for more and not be afraid of anything new, to be adventurous in life. That is probably what appeals to me the most.

What would you say are the biggest hurdles, and benefits to dating someone from a different cultural background?

L: I think one hurdle is that for every new situation that you encounter there’s always the possibility that your reactions will differ because of cultural differences, and sometimes those differences can cause conflict. In mine and Sebbe’s case we can always talk about it and figure it out. Another hurdle, is when it comes to making big decisions like if there’s a need to get married or not, or how you plan to raise children and things like that, then it’s important to put values first and find a common ground. Not so much importance is put on getting married in Sweden so a lot of people have life-long partners who they have children with, which is different in South Africa and what I’m used to.

For me the biggest benefit to dating someone from a different cultural background is that I always have the opportunity to see something from two perspectives instead of just one, and my communication skills have definitely leveled up because of the need to make sure that we understand each other and why we sometimes act or think the way that we do. I’ve also had the opportunity to learn from and adopt those traits of his culture that I love.

K: The biggest hurdles come in the form of different cultures. Sometimes, we forget that we both grew up differently in different countries. I love talking to my family, whereas he doesn’t talk to his very much. It bothers me that he doesn’t spend more time or talk to them more. Where I grew up family was big part of everyday life and we included them in many parts of our life. We sometimes get frustrated at small cultural things that someone says or does, but we try to remember that we are different. We both go out of our way to explain why we think or act the way we do in order to help each other understand more.

The benefit is learning more about the different culture. Our education, childhood, and daily lives were both similar and very different at the same time. We love finding similarities that we have from our past. Of course, I don’t agree with everything about his culture and he feels the same way about mine. Though, we both try to keep an open mind and realize that we love each other despite our differences; talking about it really helps.

S: Hurdles would be the different life experiences you get from living the certain way you are used to, from the country you live in and the habits you nurture. In this case, it is hard to swim faster in a sea of opportunities when you are used to floating. There is a special kind of resignation here (in Bosnia) due to the bad political status, so you are accepting life as it is. There is a completely different struggle we have to go through, so being able to work on yourself as an individual will be a new experience. It takes specific energy and a lot of confidence to keep up with them, if you compare the set of circumstances I grew up in. Also, fighting all the stereotypes that each culture has, and presenting yourself to his friends without them, is a hurdle too.

All of this, however, arouses desire for a new life, a multicultural environment painted with different languages that we have to grasp onto... those things make these types of relationships rich and valuable. There is a certain advantage to dating someone from a different background; you, as a person, become more aware of the world and humanity, you become fuller. There is so much to learn, and you should welcome knowledge to be able to understand more about people and have a new insight in other people's lives.

With tenacity and without judgment, beautiful connections can be made, and such is my journey with an American husband.